DAY 63 - Fat Globules

So, I've been hanging in there and persistant with my kickboxing lessons. I really do enjoy it. What's so odd is that I hate exercise. Totally loathe it. I like moving for fun. Not for the purpose of doing what is good and healthy for my body according to all of the medical journals in the world. But the sessions have been a lot of fun!

I still hurt like never before after each lesson. Parts I didn't know I had start to ache. There's a lower back/upper butt/side hip muscle that is screaming after every lesson. But it oddly feels good.

I'm on vacation now. We're in Cape Cod. I'm in full-fledged panic mode. Vacation usually means eating. We eat here. A lot. Reservations are made and rich food is consumed. I've been trying to make the best possible choices with my food. Those ten weeks with Janice were not in vain! And yesterday I actually walked quite far on the beach, trudged up a sand path and then jogged my way back to the resort. I was sweating like a pig and it felt great.

However, I can almost FEEL the food I eat turning into little fat globules and depositing themselves with such glee onto my hips, stomach and ass. Let us not forget about the back fat and flabby upper arms. It's freaking me out! I see myself looking like a stay-puff marshmallow woman walking down the aisle. It freaks me out!!!!

DAY 46 - Survival

I survived my first kickboxing lesson. Truth be told, I have a really awesome trainer who happens to be my neighbor who happens to be my friend. So, it made for a far more fun session. Now, for the cold hard truth...
For someone who spends her day walking, my ass is so out of shape, I couldn't complete the first session! I felt like a bad first date with ED! Just before we started doing the abs portion I got some sort of weird kidney cramp and had to sit down. It was most likely due to the Starbucks beverage I purchased and wolfed down at the Jiffy Mart before the class.
I did 30 push-ups (sets of 10, of course....couldn't do all 30 at once) and that night I had to slither into bed on my face. The arms were no longer functional pieces of flesh. At one point, I complained about the size of our sheets while trying to fold clean ones. "Why must our bed be so big! It's so painful to fold this fitted sheet!" Hence, the sheet is may look folded, but inside, it's a jumbled mess.
The following day was a little better. I woke up and the comforter no longer felt like a slab of sheet rock laying on my body. Moving around helped. Therefore I felt inspired to take another class the following day!
Well, training session number two with Trainer Trish was quite exciting! She was right when she told me the first day, "It'll never be as hard to do as it is during this first class." I was slightly skilled (SLIGHTLY!!) and finished the entire class. I even jumped rope for the first time in over a decade. (It was so much easier as a kid!) Most importantly, I DID NOT HURL! There was no hurling, no cramping and no crying. I left pumped up for the next class!
It's like dating someone....because I was anxiously awaiting the call/text/email where Trainer Trish asked when I was coming back. NEVER in a million years did I think I'd ever get this excited about something that consisted of EXERCISE!

DAY 41

So, I've officially changed the second number on the scale. I haven't
been one-seventy-anything in over a decade. I have 7 weeks until the
wedding. Most of what I lost is because of my insanely busy work
schedule. My max has been 19 walks in one day. It made me realize how
important exercise is in all of this. So tomorrow...Sunday ....I start
training for kickboxing. I'm scared. I'm such a blob. How will I do
this and not look like a giant ass? I guess we will know in nine hours!

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Day Twenty

I was very "warrior-esque" today. Determined to avoid crap, I ate a
lot of fruit and low calorie stuff. There was a part of me that wanted
to go to Wendy's for a coffee milkshake but I resisted. I actually
stood in the doorway of a pizzaria and walked away. I thought of
buying a little bag of Nilla Wafers at the deli and drove by. Half of
this was want-power and half was fueled by an outside source.

Yesterday I went to get my hair done and found this fabulous new hair
dresser. I love her. It's a total score in the hair department!
However, everyone, especially my fabulous new miracle worker, there
made me feel super frumpy. There was a girl leaving for maternity
leave that day who was slightly bigger than me! Notice: PREGNANT
GIRL. It was very discerning.

Mind you these are all the rare form of the skinny girl breed. They
were nice and they didn't make me feel frumpy, which was lovely. But
sitting in that chair in front of this tall, size 0 woman in a dress I
can only dream of wearing, I saw my reflection as Jabba the Hut. Bad
bad bad.

I also haven't weighed or measured myself in weeks. It's time. I have
some fear. I feel that my body is different; a bit less flab and a bit
more firm. But that scale is so evil. It doesn't matter what I feel
like if that number isn't friendly. I'll have to do it tonight or
tomorrow and I'll report back.

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Day Eighteen

I've woken up feeling as though my gut is slightly renewed. I had a
bite of my favorite sandwich yesterday and was semi-repulsed. I felt
like the fat was lodged in my throat and I immediately put it down and
was finished with it. I don't know why or what was behind it, but I
was not pleased. What did make me happy was that the sandwich isn't
the most healthy thing in the world so my body was doing me a favor.

Okay, I'll tell you what it is. Cut up hot chicken cutlet, lettuce,
little bit of cheese and ranch dressing in a wrap. It usually takes
two sittings to eat the damn thing. Otherwise I feel digusting and
stuffed.

This morning, I feel like my stomach is very choosy. Many of the
normal "yummy" things don't sound so wonderful. I can't believe I'm
going to say it but I'm rather pleased that my body is finally taking
a stand and demanding higher quality food!

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Too Tired For Salad?

The key word is FOR....not OF. I never get tired of salad. But I had
a situation yesterday that scared me a bit. I scared myself actually.

I was exhausted yesterday (again) after running around like a chicken
with my head chopped off. I hate to complain as it's my own business
and more running means more money. But after many consecutive days of
non-stop work, I was pooped.

Around 9pm, Justin asks me what I'd like for dinner. It's bad enough
I'm eating at 9pm but now I've got to utilize my three remaining brain
cells to decide what to have for dinner. So, my first thought is, 'i'm
too tired for salad". I knew he was going to suggest it...And he did.
Without thinking about how rediculous it will sound, I said it. "No.
Absolutely not. I'm too exhausted to eat a salad."

"What?! Explain this."

"I can't imagine all of that stabbing with a fork. And then there is
figuring out the lettuce-to-topping ratio with each bite. It's too
much!"

That had to be the most UN-warriorish thing I've thought and said
in....well, FOREVER! I'm ashamed. I actually got some very non-
greasy chicken fingers and all of that dipping was even pooping me out.

Today I woke up feeling guilty over my lack of gumption. I let
sleepiness dictate what I was going to eat. So when I looked on the
mirror this morning and felt bloated and round, I had no one to blame
but myself.

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DAY TEN - Tired of the Fight

It seems funny to say that I'm tired of the fight and see the words
"day ten" next to it. Its day ten here but it's more like YEAR TEN x
2! Twenty years of fighting fat and food. That's freakin' scary!
There were many wars over serious issues with mass deaths that didn't
last that long. Actually some of them occurred in these past 20 years
that I've had my own little internal battle.

So why haven't I given up yet? As tired as I am of this War Against
Weight, something inside of me won't give up. I've wanted to, and at
times I thought I did give up (hello to ice cream, pancakes and
regaining the fat I thought I removed forever), but inside of me is
this woman who refuses to say "uncle". This crazy warrior!

The warrior has a great body and feels healthy. She looks wonderful in
all of those cute clothes that I see and wish I could wear. She wears
a bathingsuit and thinks about things other than 'how well did I hide
my cellulite?'. She's free.... In so many ways. And she's not giving
up until she can come out victorious.

But damn! She's tired! I bet she'll be taking a long nap once she
gets here.

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Consumption

The consumption I speak of is a double edged sword. To me both ends
are exhausting which is why there has been a time lapse in blogging.

Consuming food. Should I eat that? How much should I eat? Is that
going to make me feel guilty after I eat it? Where can I get
something to eat right now? These are just a few of the questions
that run thru my head all day long. It's a constant measuring,
guessing, wondering. If I spent a much time thinking about some other
topic as I do thinking about my consumption of food I would either be
a genius at that new thing or a complete psychopath.

Consumption of energy. Mental energy. Am I fatter today? Oh I hope I
lost weight! Why does everyone else succeed and I fail at this? Will
I fit into my wedding dress and look pretty or like a cow? It's truly
mentally exhausting for me. Somedays it " makes or breaks" my day. I
often wonder why it just doesn't happen? I'm exhausted from all of
the time I spend thinking about my weight.

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DAY ONE - Weapons

So, today I made sure I was armed with two things recommended by two people who were very successful at losing weight. The first thing was sugarless gum. I was grabbing one package of everything that sounded good. Trident, Extra, Dentyne, Orbit, etc. I shoved about 14 packs into a big Ziploc bag and distributed some spare packs around in my house and car in case I forget this monstrous bag. My mother recommended gum. Considering how we both started at Weight Watchers at the same time and she hit her goal MONTHS ago, I figured I should listen to any advice that she felt was helpful. "If you want something sweet, chew gum. When the flavor runs out, you wont want something sweet any more." Sounds like a plan.

The second thing was a few bags of little Dove dark chocolate bites. The woman baking my wedding cake suggested them. Her one restriction was that you should limit it to two pieces a day. She's a size 4.....but she always wasn't. So, I tend to listen to people who are poster children for success. Especially if they are a size 4 and spend their life around baked goods.

I did make a discovery today while acquiring artillery. I took an awesome Nutrition course in college taught by a brilliant woman named Annemarie Colbin. She told us that we should chew every bite at least 20 times before swallowing. I makes sense in so many ways but the thing that stuck in my mind was a comparison to a trash compactor. If you have a bunch of gigantic chunks of food, you really have to work hard to push it down the drain to the compactor. Turn the compactor on and that sucker is grinding and making noises like you shoved a shoe in it.

But anything that's already liquefied to some degree goes in the sink drain easily. You don't even have to turn the compactor on most of the time. No work involved. Our digestive system works in a rather similar way. If you want a detailed explanation of how this all works, buy one of her books or Google her and I'm sure you'll find an answer. I'm not even going to pretend to be able to explain it.

Anyway, Janice mentioned chewing food well during our coaching session this week and it reminded me of Annemarie's advice. My big discovery today occurred while I was chewing on my FiberOne breakfast bar. Healthier things definitely take a lot longer to chew.

Okay. So that's not going to earn me any great prize in the world of great discoveries, but when was the last time you actually contemplated this fact? In 37 years, I think this may be my first time.

Ever try to chew pancakes? After about 10 chews, it's already gone.... having slid down your throat. Then I started thinking about other things. Veggies, meat, fruit.....they all require some quality chewing. Donuts, toast, cake.....they break down very easily.

My A-HA moment for today...... most healthy food requires substantial chewing, therefore I should buy chewy foods. A-HA!

So, now I'm on a chew mission. Between the gum and chewing every bite of food 70 gazillion times, I thing I'm well on my way to TMJ.

WHAT IS A WEIGHT LOSS WARRIOR?

That's a very good question. I'm defining it as I go. During one of my coaching sessions with Janice Taylor (a/k/a Our Lady of Weight Loss), she asked me to take notes about what I felt it would be like to be in Warrior Mode. Asking me to take notes is like ordering for one at a family-style restaurant.....you're going to get a lot more than you probably expected, needed or wanted! But I thought that blogging would help keep me on track, as I seem to understand things more clearly when I write them down.

So, as I start down this new path of self-discovery (and desperation as I'm due to get married in 13 weeks and declaring war against those bad habits that have left me "fluffy"), I thought I should set some sort of basic definition to work with.

As a Weight Loss Warrior I plan to:

• Be brave and face my weaknesses that have contributed to my "fluffiness"
• To be aware and conscious of my eating habits and work toward turning the bad habits into good ones
• Strive for an optimistic view and declare battle against all negative and self-defeating thoughts that tend to lead to the Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll dungeon of misery
• Exercise more. It's necessary.
• Never give up. I'm a survivor.

With the sword of my mind, let the fat-shed begin!!!!!